Thursday, December 08, 2005

Welcome to G-Match by J.K.Kelley

Welcome to G-Match™

Please enter your personal data for initial screening.

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Welcome 604-76-2976 (USA).

Please hold and allow our program to work for you.

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Please use standard home-extraction tool kit to draw DNA sample. Our system can handle either interior mouth swab samples (use tool Model #2B) or thumb-prick blood samples (use tool Model #N2B). Indicate selection by touching screen: MODEL #2B or MODEL #N2B

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Directions to submit sample using Model #N2B:

1) Insert sample into external analysis port.

2) Secure outer door.

3) Activate vacuum.

4) Touch screen with right thumb to confirm THUMBPRINT.

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Please hold and allow our system to work for you.

Touch screen to read TESTIMONIALS while our system works for you.

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Testimonial: We used to rely on our keen sense of smell to attract or be attracted. Imagine how shocked I was to learn that over half of human smell receptors are broken! Humans lost the scent for pheromones somewhere around 1986. I am not saying it had anything to do with deep fat fryers, but I do think it is telling that my parents—who met in 1993—were a mess. Two sets of genes less likely to trip the right wires would have never met before the breakdown of the genetic family in charge of half our nose. So I tested myself, then my girlfriend. Let’s just say it was a close call. She had all the brains, but was a few genes short of a happy g-match for this lucky bachelor.

Signed: A Sure Match

Touch screen to read TESTIMONIALS while our system works for you.

Testimonial: “The Book of Life, the human genome sequence, is analogous to a basic parts list for the human species, because human beings are 99.9 percent similar. But that 0.1 percent difference-one in every 1,000 letters-contributes to our individuality, and taken as a whole, can explain the genetic basis of disease.” (Ten Vignettes, Stories of Genomic Discovery, February 12, 2001). When I read about the Book of Life, the soft skin on my inner wrist ached to be caressed by the gentle fingers of that one whose .1 percent difference was guaranteed to be free of the most lethal disease known to women: the cad, the he-who-presses-too-hard instead of lingering on soft flesh. Thank you, gentle scientists, in your stiff white frocks, for giving us the Book of Life so that G-Match™ could give us the Book of Love. Yes, yes!

Signed: A Sure Thing

Your analysis is complete.

Please hold while our system locates your G-Match™.

Congratulations! You have a successful match!

Please hold or touch screen to read TESTIMONIALS while our system works for you.

Testimonial: Eric Lander, the genius--may he rest in peace--who paved the way for G-Match™, noted on the day the dog genome was mapped: "It is a historic occasion today for the relationship between humans and dogs," he said of the animal domesticated 30,000 years ago. "Dogs are prepared to teach us new tricks." I know G-Match is still completing its database for my ideal Chihuahua, but I paid in advance. I believe.

Signed: A Dog’s Best Friend

Congratulations! Your match is available at this time.

To continue, please proceed to PAYMENT.

Payment: Payment is based on your individual financial data and genomic analysis. Expect to pay 25% of lifetime earning estimate. For a 5% fee reduction, indicate that you grant G-Match™ exclusive rights to your genomic account.

To submit payment in full:

1) Please touch screen with right thumb to confirm THUMBPRINT.

2) Touch screen to indicate FULL FEE or REDUCED FEE.

3) Indicate acceptance that Payment is nonnegotiable and nonrefundable for service provided, namely we provide the G-Match™, while the client is responsible for all behaviors thereafter. G-Match™ is not liable for any psychological or physiological damages caused by our patented genomic code and match (GC and M) service. G-Match™ is proud to support the philosophy that our clients have free will and are therefore culpable for all actions, including using our service. Touch screen to CONFIRM ACCEPTANCE.

4) Client may choose to cancel service before the G-Match™ is revealed. Once the G-Match™ provides your customized genomic partner, payment is transferred.

5) Touch thumb to SUBMIT PAYMENT to confirm.

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Please hold while our system prepares your partner’s profile or touch thumb to CANCEL SERVICE at any time.

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