Saturday, December 05, 2009

And so.

Both babies are sleeping. Laundry mostly done. Dishes can wait. Showered last night. Bills paid yesterday. Christmas shopping on order (online). And so. I have time to blog.

Entire essay-length entries have been composed in my head while nursing, bathing, changing little diapers. And so the pressure is on, well, to say something. You know, all profound and such. Reflections on mothering in the modern world. And all that.

Mostly I am grateful that we are healthy. And happy, often. And when the babies cry, I now know to take the long view. When Iza was little her cries flipped deep genetic/hormonal switches in me and I would heat up and melt down and become convinced that I, her mother, had ruined her chances at a happy life. Now when one of them, or both of them, cry I try to breathe and go Zen. And if that fails, I mutter a few really bad words.

A bouquet of thoughts here:

Having one child, my love for her was a romance. Drama. Intimacy. Longing. Elation. Devestation. Wonder. Fear. Repeat. Having two, my love is now parental. Wonder. Respect. Awe. Frustration. Joy. Humility. Repeat. Much less fear, much more willingness to wait and observe as the person emerges.

The best things I never did this time around: write down every feeding, poop, pee, and sleep. Reread parenting books. pump.

Revelation: Every home should have a good rocking chair. This is an entire philosophy ready to be expanded and expounded. More to come.

Another Revelation and nascent philosophy: Every home should have a bottle of sparkly stuff (champagne for me) chilled and ready to celebrate.

Mothering is beautiful. Yes. But it sure ain't pretty much of the time.

Hooray for online shopping and groceries delivered to the house. Hip Hip Hooray for my nanny, who sadly is leaving us in January.

Hooray for carrying two babies: Leo in the Bjorn on the front and Iza in the Ergo on my back. This way we could go for a long walk on the nature path, where strollers couldn't go. Although with Leo growing so quickly, I think those days are over.

And then there was the day when I realized that my two-baby-wearing adventures caused a bit of discomfort for some New England types. A neighbor happened to cross our path as we all headed to the Starbucks. She casually commented that, well, you could use a stroller....And I heard it in her voice. She was embarrassed for me. And I was amused.

Feeding a toddler is slowly forcing me to learn how to cook. As in put three meals + snacks on the table a day. I used to cook for dinner parties. This is totally different. I can make a decent pork roast. Chicken in various permutations. Cous cous is my new favorite side dish. Izabella loves blue cheese, hates mashed potatoes. Leo still only nurses. I am a casserole queen. I may never be a great cook, but I am working my way toward being a good mom cook.

Lots of thoughts about tandem nursing. That I need to write about.

Things that get me through the day: jasmine green tea. Napping/nursing with Leo while Izabella sleeps. Facebook.

And Leo wakes....


RĂ©ka Albert said...

Wow, you can carry both babies at the same time! That's more than thirty-five pounds! They get their mama's warmth, and you get a thorough workout.

I loved our walks carrying Agnes during her first winter, but as the weather turned nice, and she grew, she didn't like the confinement anymore. Now she is pretty much done with the stroller as well.

Emilie said...

I'm giving you a big mental hug right now.

Two thoughts...First, when I was working 60+ nerve-grinding hours a week for over a year, I made a list of 15 self-care treats as a reminder for myself. Some were small and quick, (5 min iPod meditation) others were bigger (book a massage). But when I was feeling strung out, I'd open the list and do one thing on it right away. I'm convinced it's the only way I made it through, and reading your post makes me realize that list is going to come in handy again in about 6 months.

Second, Dr Oz had a show on pregnancy and new moms recently. They suggested the good idea of blitzing up fresh fruit and protein smoothies for both you and your kiddo (on solid food) for breakfast. Super fast and nummy.

Thomas Kinsella said...

Oh, you make interesting stranger family life for a teen.

I hope read you soon.

DJ said...

LOVE the idea of being a good mom cook while not necessarily being a great cook. hee.